I came across this journal entry a few weeks ago written when my boys were almost 4 and 21 months (they are 13 and 10 now). After working as a high school English teacher and the office manager of a hotel management company, staying home with whiny kids and little adult interaction was, well, hard. I've pondered this journal entry, read over it a few more times, and thought, maybe, just maybe it might help a mom who is struggling like I was. 2 Cor. 1:3-4 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." May you be comforted.
April 8, 2003
Yesterday was such a bad day. My kids whined all day. I kept losing my patience. I didn't get anything accomplished. I went to bed feeling defeated -- a failure as a mother.
Depressed! My husband constantly reminds me that 1st and foremost, I'm staying home for my children -- not a clean house.
Why can't I get that through my head? I constantly evaluate my days -- my worth and value-- by the fruits of my labor. What I can see that I got done -- but when I die, I want to say that my children know the Lord -- that we did our best to teach them about Jesus and His word -- that we tried to teach them honesty, character, integrity, determination, responsibility.
Lord, help me to see it -- to remember it -- to believe it. Help me to forget about clean toilets (well, not forever) and get it down to my bones that I am here for my children -- I am home for them! Then Lord, if you want to teach me how to keep a spotless house, so be it. If I never learn, give me a peace about it.
I mean, I want a house that is clean, comfortable. I don't want to be embarrassed every time someone stops by -- but I need balance -- and I need to go to bed after a day when nothing got accomplished with peace because I took good care of my children.
Lord, help me to be patient. Especially with my oldest son with all his energy and three-year-old inquisitiveness.
*John 1:12-13 -- a child of God
*John 3:18 -- not condemned
*Ps. 139:13 -- created by God
*Ps. 139:14 -- fearfully and wonderfully made
*Ps. 139:16 -- seen by God before I existed -- all my days are ordained by God
*Romans 8:16-17 -- God's child, heir of God, co-heirs with Christ
*Col. 1:13 -- rescued by God from the dominion of darkness
*Eph. 2:8-10 -- saved by faith -- not by works -- created to do good works
*2. Cor. 5:17 -- a new creation
*Rom. 12:1 -- a living sacrifice
*2 Cor. 5:21 -- the righteousness of God
Stop looking to the world for affirmation. If I really believed these Scriptures....I would stop feeling so incompetent -- so ugly -- so guilty all the time.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I am not condemned.
Note: My only edits are in italics -- I removed names.