Going Beyond "Consent": Teaching Our Boys to Be Godly Men

I saw the "Consent: It's as Simple as Tea" video  about a year ago, and at the time, I thought it was clever and informative.  This video has resurfaced and has shown itself plentiful on my Facebook feed for several days after the verdict and sentencing in the Stanford rape case.

I re-watched this video twice, and I admit that something was really, really bothering me.  Usually, the video was posted with an encouragement to “show your teenage boy” or “this is good for teaching our sons about consent.” 

Then it dawned on me.  It’s not the video so much as the admonition that we need to use this video to teach our sons about consent.  As the mother of two teenaged boys, I find this to be misguided.  Frankly, if your teen needs to be shown this video in order to know what “consent” is, then you, as a parent, have a LOT of work to do.  Seriously.  Knowing the definition of consent is not the issue.  There are many, many thoughts and decisions and attitudes that contribute to a young man who does not know (or care about) what “consent” means. 

Many sincerely believe this video to be very helpful for young people who find themselves in sexual situations and are unsure about what to do.  If it works and prevents rape, I am thankful for this video.  However, if you are a Christian parent, like me, I think this video is woefully lacking in what we need to be teaching our sons.

Here are some of what I believe to be more important teaching points for our teenaged sons. 

1.  Teach Them How to Have Personal Relationship with Jesus Christ

First and foremost, our teens – both boys and girls – need to have a personal, real relationship with Jesus Christ.  Pray for our children, teach them God’s word, show them the Way.  Then, the Holy Spirit will be counselor and guide for our children. 

* “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”   2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)

* “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”  Romans 12:2 (ESV)

* “Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 (ESV)

2.  Teach Your Teens about Sex

Talk to your children about sex BEFORE they become teenagers.  In today’s culture, you cannot be lax in this.  Talk to your children about how we were created to be sexual beings but that God has a plan for sex – a good plan.  Acknowledge sexual feelings.  Don’t shame your boys.  Sex was created by God. It is not a bad thing, but sex should happen within the confines of marriage. 

Patiently teach them what is appropriate behavior towards girls.  Help them think through their thoughts.  Guide and teach and train and discipline when needed. 

3.  Teach Your Boys How to Treat Women, Their Wives, and Everyone Else

Philippians 2:3-10 (ESV) states “ Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”

Ephesians 5:25-29 (ESV) says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.”

If a young man seeks, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to live out these two passages of Scripture, he will not need to watch videos about tea to help him understand “consent.” 

4.  Teach Them to Use Their Strength for Good

When our boys are little, we say it 100 times a week – “No hitting.”  However, God made our boys physical.  Boys need to know that if they see someone hurting a girl, it is 100% ok to hit or tackle or kick.  There is a time and a place for physical violence, and no one is mad that two Swedes on bikes chased and tackled the man who was assaulting a young unconscious woman.  

On the other hand, a young man should never use his strength to hurt, scare, bully, or intimidate a girl simply because he can.   

5.  Teach Your Boys to Keep Their Hearts Pure

We cannot ignore pornography and the effects it has had and will have on the hearts and minds of our young boys as they mature into young men.   Women are degraded, and rape is glorified.  Certain music genres glorify violence against women.  Movies make violence against women seem normal and even “romantic.”  Again, keep the lines of communication open.  Talk to your boys.  Put safeguards in place – no phones in the bedroom after 10:00, for example.  Say “no” to certain movies, books, television shows, video games, and music choices. 

In my opinion, a young man who has to wonder about consent is not living a Christ-centered life – he’s living a selfish, self-centered, uncaring, entitled life.  He’s somewhere he shouldn’t be, doing something he should not be doing.  Does this happen?  Yes.  However, as a believer, we should be raising our children to be radically different from those in the world who are not sure what “consent” means.  With God’s help, we need to strive to raise children who look to the interest of others, who empty themselves, who humbly serve others instead of taking from them.  A man who is truly seeking to become more Christ-like will not see an unconscious or sleeping woman and decide to take advantage of her simply to satisfy a physical urge, and he will not force a woman to do something when she changes her mind.  A true Christ-follower does not need to watch videos about tea because, to him, women are his sisters, created by God, and are to be treasured, protected, and esteemed.

Let’s go beyond teaching our boys about "consent."  

Let's teach our boys to be Godly men.

Attention Moms and Dads! Your Teens Need You!

This morning, as I was folding laundry, I sat pondering what someone asked me last night.

“So, is your son as quiet at home as he is here?”

My youngest is playing a small role in a play in our community, and he’s been labelled as quiet.  Wait, what?  Quiet?

That boy hasn’t been quiet a day in his life.  He’s funny, hyper, crazy, loud, and talkative.

At play practice, others see him as quiet.  Quiet.

Time turned back, and I thought about my oldest.  At about the same age, he told me once, with real fear in his words, that he had stage-fright.  I remember thinking, “WHAT!?  You’ve never ever one time been afraid in front of a group of people.”  But for a time, he was, but he’s not anymore.  Now he’s a tour guide at a local cave, and he speaks in front of strangers all day, several times a day.  He’s a born leader.  When he was 5 years old, he could have the entire playground filled with children previously unknown to him playing some game he’d made up.  “Do you want to play with us?” he’d ask perfect strangers.  Yet, for a time, he had stage fright.  It came out of nowhere, and one day it slipped away quietly, and I realized it was gone.

Thinking about my oldest, that’s when it hit me.  These are the days in a young person’s life when he suddenly realizes that others see him.  That what he does is right there in front of the world for everyone to see and judge.  Boys and girls alike suddenly become visible, vulnerable, self-conscious, exposed, scared, worried.

What is it about puberty and hormones that does this?

I have no idea, but what I do know is that these are the days when teenagers becoming young men and women push so hard against their parents, but they need us so very much.  They need us to say, “YES!  You ARE who you once were.  You are funny and bright and capable.”  They want to know that they are loved and cherished even when they push.  They crave acceptance and hugs and encouragement.  Not fake praise, but genuine words of affirmation. 

You CAN do it. 

I believe in you. 

I am on your side.

Tell them what they are good at.  Tell them you love them.  Tell them you are proud when they show compassion, kindness, generosity, and self-control.  Set boundaries.  Push gently.  Encourage.  Exhort.  Praise.  Lift them up.

Then, in time,  prayerfully and with God’s grace, your son or daughter will step confidently out into the world and embrace the gifts that God has blessed him or her with and just be… amazing.

They need you mom and dad.  Your teens need you.

Dear Mom, Hang On

Dear Mom of a child struggling with ADHD, inattentive ADD, dyslexia, Asperger’s, autism, sensory integration disorder, OCD, etc.,

When your daughter runs back to the bathroom to wash her hands one more time and her hands are raw and bleeding and cracked from over-washing, and you cannot reason with her and you cannot get her to stop, Mom, hang on.

When he can’t understand the passage he’s reading and he’s so stressed and he’s crying and you’re crying and you want to fix it but you can’t, Mom, hang on.

When they call you to the school and you find out that your son lost his temper … again… and knocked over desks and threw books, and you’re embarrassed and at a loss and you just don’t know how to help him, Mom, hang on.

When your son is crying in bed, regretting, wondering why God made him that way and your heart breaks right in two because he says, “I wish I was never born.  I want to die,” Mom, hang on.

When the noise is so loud somewhere and everyone else is having so much fun and your daughter suddenly melts down crying and screaming because it is just. too. much, Mom, hang on.

When another parent suggests that if you were a better disciplinarian, your child would do better, and you know what they’re thinking, and you know how HARD you’ve tried, Mom, hang on.

When you’ve tried essential oils, parenting techniques, diet changes, therapies out the wazoo, chiropractic care, classes, counseling, even medication, and things are just not getting better, Mom, hang on.

When people stare at you in public because your daughter is melting down ... again, and you’re sick of going out in public, and you’re tired and embarrassed and weary, Mom, hang on.

When you are so sick and tired of being late because your son’s socks “Don’t feel right” and the shoelaces are too tight and then not tight enough and you’ve tied those stupid shoes 5 times, Mom, hang on.

When your daughter’s grades are so bad because she is busy daydreaming about who-knows-what while the teacher is talking and you know how smart she is and you think you’ll scream if you hear a teacher say one more time that she’s not applying herself, Mom, hang on.

When your son has no friends because he has no concept of personal space and talks constantly and does not get social cues, Mom, hang on.

When you have lost your temper ….again… when you promised yourself you wouldn’t and you begged God to help you stay calm, Mom, hang on.

When your parents make comments and you’re smiling on the outside but dying on the inside, Mom, hang on.

When people say that ADHD doesn’t exist and you used to think the same thing but now you know better but you wished to God you didn’t, Mom, hang on.

When you have no one to talk to because no one truly understands because your kid looks normal on the outside, Mom, please hang on.

God can give you rest.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.     Matthew 11:28 (ESV)

God cares.

Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.      1 Peter 5:7 (NKJV)

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you…      Psalm 55:22  (NIV)

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

God will never leave you or your child. 

I will never leave you nor forsake you.  Hebrews 13:5 (NKJV).

 So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

God hears you.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.     Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

God has a plan.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28 (NIV)

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV)

God gives you hope and peace.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.     Romans 15:13 (NIV)

God strengthens you.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.     Philippians 4:13  (NIV)

You are important.  You are needed.  You are loved.  You matter.  

Her children rise up and call her blessed.     Proverbs 31:28-30 (ESV)

Dear Mom, Hang on.

Demonstrating God's Love: 1 Corinthians 13 -- A Family Activity

We put the verses on the fridge.

     We did something wonderful last week.  We worked hard at catching each other in the act!

     Allow me to explain.  Kyle, our youth pastor, challenged some families with youth to try out the book  Ideas for Parents by Mark Matlock and Christopher Lyon.  After skimming the book, my husband, Miles, chose the activity "Fill the Love Jar."  After reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, Miles explained that for the next week, we would be watching each other and looking for examples of others in our family demonstrating the principles in these verses.  So, for example, if you see someone being patient, you should take a minute to write it down and put it in the container.  After one week, we would read them all.  

     Miles put The Mullins Demonstrating God's Love (1 Corinthians 13) Jar on the kitchen table along with some index cards and a pen.  He printed the verses out for each of us and put a copy on the fridge.  Then the fun began. 
     
     During the week, each of use wrote down when we saw 1 Corinthians 13 being lived out in someone else. We all did our best to put in at least one card every day. At the end of the week, our container held 39 cards.  After lunch on Sunday, Miles opened the jar and read them all.  

The Mullins Demonstrating God's Love Jar

     It was incredibly affirming.  Here are a few:

*Darius very patiently tried to help Titus pick out clothes today. -- Mommy
*Darius lowered the basketball hoop for Titus even though he preferred to do something else ("does not insist on its own way") -- Daddy
*Titus came out and did basketball with me (even before Daddy went out). -- Darius
*Darius played with me even though he didn't want to. -- Titus
*Miles makes the coffee almost every morning.  How kind!  -- Jenny
*On Monday, Jenny (Mommy) hoped for a good day of school, even though it was Monday.  -- Miles
*Daddy took me for a walk. -- Titus
*Mommy made dinner for us almost every day. -- Darius
*When Titus was doing his math and geography, Darius was very patient about waiting to practice piano. -- Mommy
*Daddy saved a peice of garlick brad for Mommy. -- Titus
*Titus had a great school day today.  He was not rude or irritable!  Yay Titus! -- Mommy
*Darius didn't brag, even though he did a great job on his Spanish Quiz. -- Daddy

     How awesome is that!  We had 39 examples of our family living out 1 Corinthians 13.  We decided we need to do this again -- maybe several times a year!

     With Valentine's Day right around the corner, perhaps you and your family should try it, too!

Lunchtime Conversations: MLK, Jesus, Race, and Jokes

     Today, at lunch, my husband asked our boys if they knew what day it was.  My youngest ran to the calendar and said, “Martin Luther King Day.”  My husband asked him if he knew who Martin Luther King, Jr. was.  He replied, “A president?  Jesus?” 

     “Jesus?!  Why in the world would you think he was Jesus?”

     “I don’t know.”  (Personally, I think he was giving the Sunday School answer – when in doubt, say “Jesus.”)

     The conversation continued with a short history of the Civil War, segregation, and Martin Luther King, Jr.  My husband ended by saying something about not looking at someone’s outside or their race.

     “What is ‘race’”? my youngest asked sincerely.

     We looked at each other, wondering, “Is that a good thing or a bad thing that he doesn’t know what ‘race’ is?”

     After an explanation of “race,” my husband said, “That’s why we should never tell jokes about someone’s race.  It’s not funny or kind.  Have either of you ever heard someone make jokes about someone’s race?”

     My youngest piped up.  “Oh dear.  I’ve heard one.  If you’re an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?”  Pause.

     “European.”

     I exploded in laughter, and well, that was the end of our history lesson!

     Ahhhh, life with boys.

     On a more serious note, here is a link to Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech.  He was an incredible speaker!

Stopping to Listen

     A few days ago, I was reading a book on the couch.  It had been a long day, and I was tired.  I was at that point in the novel where everything is going nuts.  The hero and heroine were running for their lives.  Guns, smoke, falling rocks.  Then from somewhere far away, I heard this voice break in.
     "Hey Mom.  Did you know there was a type of music called "trance"?"
      A few feet away, my teen-aged son had spoken.  
     "Huh?"  I replied, looking up slowly from my book.
     "There's this type of music called "trance"?  And ....."
     He wasn't finished, and he wanted to talk.  I wanted to read.  
     It was at that moment that I had a choice to make.  I was tired.  The book was in its literary climax.  My son wanted to talk.  
     I put the bookmark in the book, closed it, and listened to my son discuss different types of music for the next 15 minutes, saying little, but showing that I was interested simply because the subject is important to him.  
     If I've learned anything about parenting a teenage boy, it's that when he wants to talk, you should listen because if you don't, he'll stop trying.  Little ones are persistent.  They don't give up.  They keep trying.  Teenage boys -- not so much.
     The book could wait.  My son could not.  

Lord, help me to remember this -- every single time.

   

Say What? Advent, the Incarnation, and a Zombie Apocalypse?

     
     This year, my husband has been leading us in advent devotionals.  It's a time where we sit together quietly on the couch and meditate on the coming of Christ and all that means for us.  We have serious discussions that are profound and instructional.  Take last night, for example.  The conversation went like this:

Oldest son-- "So if "incarnation" means "becoming flesh," does "carnation" mean "flesh"?"


Miles-- "A carnation is a flower."

Oldest son-- "Hmmm... Maybe a carnation is a flesh flower. So if we have a zombie apocalypse, we can feed them carnations."

Miles -- "Actually, a carnation is a nation where everyone has a car. AND if all the cars are pink, then it's a pink carnation."

Youngest son -- (giggle, giggle, giggle, giggle......)

     Somewhere in there, my husband threw out the Latin definition of incarnation.  My youngest giggled the entire time at the clever plays on words.  Me?  I was sitting there incredulous that we went from the incarnation to pink cars and zombie apocalypses.

     I'm still chuckling this morning.  My wonderful husband and creative sons left me with a very fun memory, and I'll bet they will never forget what "incarnation" means.  

Waging a War Against a False Sense of Entitlement

    Our society lives and breathes a false sense of entitlement.  It's false because it's not true.  It goes something like this:  I want it so I deserve it and someone will get it for me.  No need to earn it.  No need to work hard.  No need to wait on the Lord.  So how do we fight against a false sense of entitlement?

 1.  Don't make it so easy.
     I remember when the Atari came out.  Oh my goodness!  We thought that was the coolest thing ever.  My three sisters and I wanted one.  We wanted one bad.  My dad got one of those cans with the plastic lid, cut a hole in the top of the plastic lid to make it look like a bank, and told us that we could buy it when we'd saved up for it.  We saved and saved and saved and saved.  I can't remember exactly the cost, but I remember it took us about a year to save up the money.  Then we bought it, and we loved it.  I played Pac-Man until I had a blister on the inside of my thumb from the joystick.  The Atari was the greatest invention ever.
     A few years ago, my boys wanted a Wii.  My husband got one of those cans with the plastic lid, cut a hole in the top of the plastic lid to make it look like a bank, and told them that we could buy it when we'd saved up for it.  (Yep, he knew the Atari-story.)  It took us about nine months, and the day we bought it, the boys were so happy.  The waiting and the family effort of working and saving for something was fun and taught the boys the discipline of saving for something they wanted, even if it took a really long time.
     The point of this long story:  Don't make it so easy for your kids to have all those things they really, really want.  There is something good about saving and waiting -- and waiting and waiting.

2.  Don't be afraid to say no.
     Sometimes your kids don't need that stuff at all.  They don't have to go to every activity.  They are not entitled to play computer games all day.  Say no.  

3.  Make them do chores.
     Teach your children to do chores because they are members of your family.  Things need to be done, and they need to help.

4.  Don't make excuses for their bad behavior.
     Adam said it was Eve's fault.  Eve said it was the snake's fault.  Since the beginning of history, humans do not want to take responsibility for their bad behavior.  Don't enable that.

5.  Don't bail them out all the time.
     Sometimes they will make mistakes that cost time, energy, and grades.  Don't bail them out all the time.  It's ok to fail.  Painful for the parent, but ok.  

6.  Teach them the value of money.
     When young, teach them the value of money in terms they will understand.  "I can buy three bags of Kroger brand of pretzels or one of this brand for the same amount of money.  Which is a better deal?"  Last week, I took my youngest to the grocery store and he wanted some Little Debbie's Christmas cakes that were on sale for 3 for $5.  The Christmas tree shapes had 5 in the package.  The same cakes in a six-sided shape had 10 in a package.  He went with the 10 after I pointed out he could get way more for the same amount of money!
     When they are older, make them save up for stuff they want -- even if it takes a long time.  I am surprised by the number of teenagers who have no concept of what things cost.

7.  Get over the guilt.
     Who cares if everyone else is doing it or that everyone else has one.  You need to stand firm and be the parent.  It's ok.  They will not die if they don't get everything they want.  It's good for them.  Don't feel guilty.  

8.  Encourage ministry to those less fortunate.
     Do an Operation Christmas Child shoebox every Christmas.  Help a needy family through your church.  Take them to a food pantry or a soup kitchen to volunteer.  Help them see that they are truly blessed.
   
   
     So what do you want your kids to learn about money and stuff.  Think through what you want them to know and believe, remembering that a sense of entitlement can strangle the Holy Spirit.  Then go from there.  We know stuff doesn't make us happy and true happiness comes from trusting in God -- let's live that out and train our kids to do the same.

For more:  
Entitlement -- Strangling the Holy Spirit
Entitlement Vs. Waiting on and Trusting in the Lord

Entitlement vs. Waiting On and Trusting in the Lord

Entitlement: belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges

     For a few months now, the subject of entitlement has been wandering around slowly in my head.  The subject keeps making appearances in my psyche, and I've been trying to put my random thoughts into some sort of order.  On Sunday, I heard Joanne Kraft discuss entitlement and how the attitude robs our children and strangles the Holy Spirit.  I keep turning this over in my mind, and it seems to me that entitlement seems to go hand-in-hand with not wanting to wait and a lack of trust.

     I ended my last blog post by saying, "it seems, the enemy has done more to harm us through this suburban-lifestyle-entitlement-stuff than we can imagine.  I'm pondering all this, but I think it has to do with waiting.  Waiting for stuff.  Waiting on the Lord.  Waiting."

     We are always in a hurry, but entitlement is the "belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges" -- not only that we are entitled to privileges and things, but we are entitled to them now, not later.  We expect what we want when we want it.  I think texting and e-mailing and googling has added fuel to this fire of needing, wanting, demanding everything now and fast.  It used to be that if someone called you and you called back in a day or two, that was ok.  Now, we're like, "She didn't call me back for 2 days!"  We expect that we will get a text response immediately, or we're being ignored.  We expect stuff now.  Right now.  Life seems urgent, hurried.

     I was going to say that this attitude of entitlement is a kid-thing, but I think it's a people-thing.  No one wants to wait anymore for anything ever.  How does entitlement strangle the Holy Spirit?

     God doesn't work on our time table.  He's not in a hurry. The more time goes on and technology makes life "easier," the harder it is to wait for anything, and waiting on the Lord and His timing becomes harder and harder and harder.  I think, when we don't have time to wait, we don't have time to trust, and then we strangle the Holy Spirit because He doesn't work as fast as we want Him to.  He's not fast enough, and we try to speed things up and get ourselves in all sorts of trouble.

          Therefore, when God isn't fast enough, we lose trust.  If we believe we are entitled to things when we want them, then we get angry at God if we don't get them when we are ready to have them.  We don't trust that He knows what He is doing and that waiting might be good for us -- or that thing or job or relationship might not be what we really need at all.  Eventually, the entitlement attitude in our kids will translate to a lack of trust in the Lord as they become adults.

     So maybe a lesson we need to teach our children in this society is how to wait.  How to slow down.  Maybe we all need to practice waiting. 

    

     Waiting.... for stuff.  Waiting on the Lord.  Waiting.

Noah waited for rain while people mocked him every day.
Abraham waited for his son, Isaac.
David waited to be king on God's timetable while Saul tried to kill him over and over.
Jesus waited to begin His ministry until 30 years old.
Paul was prohibited to preach the word in Asia even though he really wanted to.

Isaiah 40:31  but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

     How do we teach our kids to wait?  How do we teach them to trust in the Lord NOW for the little things so they are not afraid of waiting for big things later?   

     More later.

Entitlement -- Strangling the Holy Spirit

Entitlement: belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges

     Last night, I was listening to Family Life on the radio, and I heard an interview with Joanne Kraft about her book Just Too Busy:  Taking Your Family on a Radical Sabbatical.  The book sounds interesting, but what caught my attention was a short tangent from discussing the book. 
     Some friends of the family asked her son if he could come to Australia and be a jackeroo on their 3,000 acre sheep ranch.  The son figured he needed $1200 to go and asked his dad to pay.  His dad responded, “You know what, son, I can pay for that, but I’m not going to pay for that. That’s between you and the Lord.”  The son was shocked and replied, “But Dad, I’m only 15! How am I going to earn money to go?”  Well, with hard work and faith that God could provide, her son earned the money for the trip. At the end of the story, Joanne Kraft said this:


"I tell this story, when I share with parents at conferences or at women’s conferences, about entitlement and how we are robbing from our children....We’re stealing opportunities. We’re really strangling the Holy Spirit. How do we expect to raise independent, God-honoring, hard-working children if we don’t allow them those opportunities? We can’t expect our kids to want to lean on God if they’re not doing it now....We do, we steal from our kids."

     Stealing from our kids.  

     I've been tossing the idea of entitlement around in my head for a couple of weeks now.  I've heard parents tell stories of kids who beg for a toy and then play with it for a day and then they're done.  I've heard parents say they are afraid to say no to their teenagers.  I've heard of teenagers who have no idea how much their car insurance costs their parents.  In my gut, it seems that all this is unhealthy, bad for our kids like eating too much candy or drinking too much soda, but it's much worse than I thought.

     Strangling the Holy Spirit.

     Beyond fostering ingratitude and unhealthy attitudes about stuff and life and work and responsibility, we are "strangling the Holy Spirit" when we give in to and encourage, however indirectly and unintentionally, attitudes of entitlement in our children.  

     Interesting.  So, it seems, the enemy has done more to harm us through this suburban-lifestyle-entitlement-stuff than we can imagine.  I'm pondering all this, but I think it has to do with waiting.  Waiting for stuff.  Waiting on the Lord.  Waiting.  

    More later.

How Parenting Shapes Us

     

     Not long ago, while in the midst of a parenting "challenge," my husband reminded me that parenting is to shape the child, but, maybe more importantly, parenting shapes us, the parents.  As Christians, God uses parenting to make us different, better, more like Himself.  

     

1.  Parenting Helps Us Develop the Fruit of the Spirit

     I told someone this past Saturday that by the time by youngest is 18 years old, I will be the most patient person on the planet, and I was serious.  I taught high schoolers in the public school system.  I have worked with all ages of kids in Sunday School, VBS, Children's Church, and the nursery.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, prepared me for a 45 minute temper tantrum because I said, "No."  Nothing prepared me for how enraging it can be for a two-year-old to look you in the face and defy you when you are in a hurry to get somewhere.  Nothing prepared me for the looks you get carrying a screaming three-year-old out of ToysRUs.  Nothing prepared me for cleaning up throw-up on two hours of sleep for the 15th time.  Nothing prepared me for the unconditional love that I would have for my boys, and the joy I would have at their successes.  Patience, gentleness, self-control -- the Holy Spirit uses parenting to develop this fruit in us.   But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Galations 5:22-23  (ESV)

  

2.  Parenting Shows Us Our Weaknesses

     Parenting shows us where we need the Lord to refine us.  Do we have anger issues?  Worry issues?  Control issues? Do we use bad language?  When our children start yelling at other drivers, "Hey, jerk!", then we realize we need to watch our mouths.  Often, our children mirror us, and we don't like what we see.  When we see it, we can take it to the Lord and ask Him to help us, so we can be different and so we don't pass down baggage to our children.

3.  Parenting Teaches Us We Are Not in Control

     In our brains, we know God is in control, right?  Parenting confirms this down to the insides of our bones.  Despite parenting books that teach us that we can control our child's behavior if we use their "correct" methodology, parenting makes us realize that we cannot control those little hellions children.  Even harder, we cannot control the child who is bullying our child.  We can't heal our child of an illness.  We can't make a learning disability go away.  We just can't fix everything.  Ultimately, God is in control -- of the universe and of our children.  Parenting can and should help us rely on God to help us, give us strength, give us wisdom, and give us endurance.

     Often, we focus so much on turning out perfect children that we fail to see how God is using parenting to turn us into children who are more like our Father.  So, the next time your son talks back or your daughter refuses to eat her dinner or your son whacks you in the face with a pillow when you're not looking, take a deep breath, pray, and ask your Father to give you what you need to be a godly parent, a godly person, a reflection of Him, and, I believe, He will answer.

The Blame Game: A Lesson in Taking Responsibility

     Last December, three weeks before I put a hole in my bumper, I was in another car accident.  I was waiting to turn left onto El Camino Real at about 6:00 p.m. on a Friday.  The traffic was insane, and I remarked to my children, "I shouldn't have come this way.  This is dangerous."  I actually checked behind me to see if I could turn around.  The woman in front of me, driving a very big Mercury Mountaineer, pulled into the median to try to get across.  She realized that, not only was she not going to make it, but that her big vehicle was blocking oncoming traffic.  She put her vehicle in reverse, hit the gas, and slammed into the front end of my car.  The boys and I saw it coming.  I screamed, "She's going to hit us," honked the horn, and braced myself.
     She did over $1200 damage to the front end of my car, and after about ten days of trying to reach her by phone, her insurance company had to go to her house.  She told them that I rear-ended her.  She lied.
     She said she was sitting still, and I rear-ended her.  Despite the fact that I had two witnesses in my car, they said it was her word against mine, and her insurance would not pay.
     She lied, and we had to bear the burden for her choice to not accept responsibility for her actions.  For months after the accident, my youngest son flinched and grimaced every time he saw someone brake in front of us.  We had to pay our $250 deductible to have the car fixed.  We had to do without our car for a week while the vehicle was in the shop.  I currently have a huge hole in my back bumper because the second accident, which was my fault, happened three weeks after the first, and I didn't want them to think I was lying the first time, so I didn't claim it.
     She lied.  The injustice of it really rocked my boys' world.  They didn't understand it.  Why?  Why would she lie?  "Why?" they have asked me over and over again, especially my youngest.  He wanted to canvass the neighborhood, find witnesses, prove our innocence, hold her accountable.
     She refused to take responsibility when it meant repercussions for her.  She blamed someone else for her mistake.  She was selfish.  Who knows?  Maybe she was going to have a serious insurance hike if she was in one more accident, but still, shouldn't we do the right thing, tell the truth, no matter what?
     Ever since that accident, this woman has become the poster-child, in our family, for NOT doing the right thing, NOT taking responsibility for our actions, NOT admitting we are wrong even when it means getting in trouble, and NOT being willing to make it right with the person that we have wronged.  I've explained that this is an issue that goes back to, well, Adam and Eve.
     So, I guess, in the spirit of Romans 8:28, thank you God for giving my boys a very real, tangible lesson on owning up, making things right, and doing the right thing at all costs.  I have used the example of this woman over and over again when one son blames another for his own sin, when one of the boys refuses to admit wrongdoing, when one is making an excuse for bad behavior, when one son needs to make it right -- or when one of the boys is trying to make sense of why someone he knows will not take responsibility.  Adam and Eve, Aaron and the golden calf that just "jumped" out of the fire, Saul who offered the sacrifice because Samuel took too long, and a woman who said she was rear-ended to avoid having to be responsible.  
     I pray that my boys will remember this lesson, that it will be a part of who they are, and that they will stand up and be men who take responsibility, even when it's hard, because it's the right thing to do.

God Only Gives Us What We Can Handle... Where's That in the Bible?

     I read Dr. James' Dobson's The New Strong-Willed Child years ago because, well, I needed to!  I remember coming away from the book with the quote, "God gave you this child because He knows you can handle it" as my new mantra.  When parenting got tough, I would recite this phrase in my head.  Admittedly, there were many days when I thought God had messed up because I just could not handle it.
     Not too long ago, while running that quote through my head, again, trying to cling to it like I had for many years, I felt God speak to me, quietly:  "Stop clinging to that.  It's not true.  You can only do it through Me."  Sucking in air at the realization, I started turning this over in my mind.  God does NOT give us what we can handle.  We can only handle trials, tribulations, and all that crazy, tough stuff through His power and His strength.
     Feeling mad and frustrated at Dr. Dobson for "hindering" me, I looked up the "quote" in his book.  This is what I found, underlined in the book, by ME, years ago: 

     "When parents bring one of these tough youngsters into the world, they need to recognize that while raising that child may be difficult for a time, it is worth their effort to do the job right.  Their attitude should be, 'The Lord gave me this challenging child for a purpose.  He wants me to mold and shape this youngster and prepare him or her for a life of service to Him.  And I'm up to the task.  I'm going to make it with the Lord's help'...if they can perceive their task as a God-given assignment and believe that He's going to help them to fulfill it, then the frustrations become more manageable."  (p. 31, underlining mine)

     Sorry, Dr. Dobson, I've been misquoting you in my head for years.  "I'm up to the task.  I'm going to make it with the Lord's help" is quite different from "God gave you this child because He knows you can handle it."   
     Now, the question comes, why, for years and years, did I misquote that book?
     It is simply so easy for me, maybe for you, too, to try to do things in my own strength -- a job, child-rearing, parenting, illness, marriage, church service, etc.  Isn't it the American Way to pull ourselves up by our boot-straps, get to work, and get it done?  If we work hard enough in school, we can get out of our poor neighborhoods.  If we do our best in sports, maybe we'll get a contract.  If we get into a good college, we can get a good job.  If we work our tails off in a business, we can be rich.  If we would just try harder, we wouldn't be in this mess.  If we read enough parenting books, try enough strategies, pray hard enough, find the right system, our kids will turn out... perfect.
     Don't you think our Enemy looks on, nodding his approval, knowing we will fail, happy to see us striving in our own power?  

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13 NKJV

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.   

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:29-31 NIV

     Thanks Lord for the reminder.  In all I do, in all that You have set before me, help me to focus on YOU as the source of my strength and power.  Help me when I've had all I can take.  Lift me up.  Renew my strength.  Help me stay the course.  Give me patience, perseverance, endurance to run this race.  For when I am weak, yet trusting in You and Your power, then I am strong.

My Purposeful-specific-quality-inducing-praise Experiment

     I've been reading lately about praising your children, and I realize that I am very, very good at pointing out what my kids do wrong.  However, knowing that praise is a good thing, I try to praise my kids as much as possible.  After some of my reading in the last few months, I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good.  Read on.  
     There are studies out that show giving children unspecific, random praise, such as "Awesome.  Good job!  Excellent.  Way to go," can actually harm their success in life. (The Praise Paradox: Are We Smothering Our Kids in Kind Words? and Can You Praise Your Child Too Much?)  For example, saying "You're so smart," all the time actually conditions them to want to give up easier when trying something hard because they automatically assume they are no longer smart if the answer doesn't come easily.  However, praising children about their hard work and perseverance even when things are tough makes them desire to keep on trying even if the test or task is hard and frustrating.  
     Also, I have been reading about praising children intentionally for the qualities you desire to see growing in them and finding those nuggets of greatness among their bad behaviors.  What qualities do you want to see in your child?  Do you want him to be cooperative, patient, respectful, helpful, humble, kind, grateful, and selfless?  Do you desire your child to honor authority figures, choose good friends, manage time well, avoid temptation, exhibit self-control, and handle rejection appropriately?  Do you want your child to persevere, share, and express thankfulness?  If so, choose to see their successes in these areas, no matter how small, and specifically praise them for those qualities instead of only pointing out their failures.  No matter how small the success, praise them for the characteristics you want to develop in your child.  This type of "praising" takes thought and a plan.  What do I want to see developed in my child?  Then, you must go about seeking, actively, to see and praise those attributes.
     On the flip side, the argument goes that parenting a child ONLY when he or she has done something wrong is parenting in the negative.  When our child comes to the table  right away when called to dinner, then we say.... nothing.  When our child ignores us and continues to play even when called, then we lecture about the necessity of obedience.  If our child shares like he's supposed to, we may say, "Good job sharing" or not.  If he refuses to share, well, we go after it.  The point is to try to also parent in the positive moments.  
     I've been mulling this over for a while now, and I think I want to try this method of praising my children and see what happens.  Here are some examples of the way I used to praise my children (1) and the way I hope to try doing it (2).  I call it my purposeful-specific-quality-inducing-praise-experiment. 

1.  I love to see you reading!
2.  I like the way you came over and began reading your book.  Reading is such an important skill, and I'm glad you see how important it is.  You are really showing wisdom!

1.  Good job starting your school work.
2.  I like the way you started your school work without complaining.  You are showing responsibility and hard work.  I appreciate that.

1.  You are a great piano player.
2.  Your piano playing has really improved because you have worked so hard.  I appreciate the way you have listened carefully to your teacher and made the necessary corrections.  That shows maturity.  You are really growing up!

1.  Wow!  You ate all your dinner without complaining.
2.  Thank you for eating your dinner without complaining, even though some of the food was not your favorite.  It shows a lot of self-control not to complain, and I like that you have decided to make healthy choices for your body.  Good job!

1.  You got a great grade on that test! You are so smart!
2.  You really studied for that test and your hard work and perseverance paid off!  You did your best, and it shows!  I am proud of you.

1.  Good job at the store today.
2.  That line at the grocery store was really long, but you were so patient.  I like the way you helped me unload the cart.  What a good helper you are.  I am blessed to have a helper like you.  

The toughest is turning something really negative into a positive.
1.  You would've been done with your math by now if you hadn't been fussing and complaining so much.  You lose your Wii time for the day!  (Imagine angry face!)
2.  That math was hard, and you got really frustrated.  You showed great self-control by calming down quickly and then getting that math problem done.  Way to stick it out and work hard.  (I actually did this after my youngest son got so frustrated with a math problem that he threw his pencil all the way across the table.  I sat silently until he calmed down, picked up his pencil, tried again, and completed the problem correctly.  Then I gave him the above praise.  His reaction to this praise was absolutely amazing.  At first he was stunned and looked at me quizzically, expecting the number 1 above response, and then he gave me a huge hug.  Hmmm... maybe there is something to this.)


     At the bare minimum, it makes sense to me to praise the qualities and characteristics that I want to see in my kids WHEN I see them.  We'll see how this goes...

The Birds, the Bees, and Boys: Teaching Your Boys About Sex -- Part 3, a Book Review

     In  The Birds, the Bees, and Boys: Teaching Your Boys About Sex Part 1, I discussed how to form and model a healthy, Biblical view of sexuality, tips on talking about sex, and other topics leading up to puberty.  Then, in The Birds, the Bees, and Boys: Teaching Your Boys About Sex Part 2, I explained the "nitty-gritty" of puberty:  physical and emotional changes, the importance of fathers, and the continual need for a mother's love.  Finally, I want to share a book that may help you as you introduce your son to how he is changing.

     When our oldest was still pretty young, my husband and I decided we needed a good book to introduce our son to puberty and sex.  I asked other mothers of boys, did internet searches, and bought a few, but I didn't find one that my husband and I liked.  Then, by God's providence, I came across this one, and we have been very pleased with it.

How You Are Changing:  For Boys Ages 10-12

Book 3 of the Learning about Sex Series for Boys

from text originally written by Jane Graver, 
updated and revised

     This book is a gentle introduction to puberty that goes into, in my opinion, just the right amount of detail.  The book is filled with Scripture, has a prayer at the end of each chapter, and encourages young men to embrace themselves as creations of God.  Other books show pictures that would make most boys uncomfortable.  For example, in Before I Was Born (for ages 5 to 8) by Carolyn Nystrom, published by NavPress, there is a somewhat realistic drawing of a mother giving birth.  I realize that some families choose to have older children present during childbirth, but for young boys who have not had this experience, this picture (see below) and others like it could make them feel uncomfortable.  

From God's Design for Sex Series, Before I Was Born,  Book 2, Ages 5 -8, by Carolyn Nystrom, NavPres.
This drawing and others like it would make a young boy going through puberty uncomfortable.  
Notice that the recommended age range for this book is 5-8.  

In contrast, How You Are Changing uses more ink-type drawings that do not have a realistic feel but are instructive.  

From Learning About Sex for the Christian family, How You Are Changing, Book 3, For Boys ages 10-12, Concordia Publishing House. The entire subject will make boys uncomfortable, but the pictures in this book offer enough information to be instructive without the realism that impedes the point.

    How You Are Changing is only 56 pages long and contains 8 chapters.  My husband asked my son to read about a chapter a week when he was 12 years old.  Then they would discuss the chapter together at McDonald's or at home when little brother was in bed.  The age range for this book is 10-12; however, I don't think he would've been ready at age 10.  Age 11 and a half probably would have been fine.  However, your son may be different.  If he is in public school and has heard some things in the locker room or has friends who have shared with him some juicy tidbits, then it may be time to go ahead and read the book together.
     The tone of the book is light yet serious.  After reading it, your son should come away feeling like he knows what to expect and that it's new and different but part of God's plan.  This series also has a set of books just for girls.
     Below is a brief summary of each chapter.  

Chapter 1.  You Are Wonderful
This chapter is about how God created your son to be male.  It goes on to discuss how girls and boys are different physically -- but also in other ways, such as emotionally.  It emphasizes that no sex, male or female, is better than another.  It encourages your son to remember:  You are special, you have talents, and God loves you very much.

Chapter 2.  Male + Female + God's Gift of Life = BABY
Using appropriate pictures, this chapter show how the bodies and reproductive organs of men and women are physically different. Then, the chapter discusses how a brand new person is made:  "When a sperm cell from your father met and united with an egg cell in one of your mother's fallopian tubes, your life began.  In that instant, the question of whether you were going to be a boy or a girl was decided.  ....The egg cell and the sperm cell did more than just stick together.  Following God's design, the two cells changed into one new cell -- the beginning of a brand-new person!  That tiny life has all the DNA factors that make a person unique -- that make you you." (p. 18)
     Later the chapter discusses family as a gift from God and the subject of difficult families, followed by God's plan for families.  The book describes intercourse on page 22:  "At times, a husband and wife will want to express their love for each other in a special way called sexual intercourse.  At those times, they will go off by themselves.  They will hug and kiss each other and touch each other all over.  The husband's penis will become firm and hard, able to fit inside his wife's vagina.  This is a private act between husband and wife."  Finally, the book discusses how it is God's plan for only a husband and a wife to "make love in this way" (p. 23)

Chapter 3.  God Took Care of You ... Right from the Beginning
This chapter explains how a baby starts out smaller than a dot and then miraculously becomes a baby.  Later, the chapter addresses where babies come out  "...the vagina and vulva stretched to let you come out between your mother's legs."  (p. 28)  

Chapter 4.  You've Grown!
Chapter 4 uses a dialogue format and answers questions and concerns such as:  "Some kids think sex is dirty":  "As we said, some people have mixed-up and sinful ideas about sex.  They might be embarrassed by using the right words for penis and vagina, for instance, so they use slang words instead.  Or they get their information from jokes and made-up stories instead of from an adult they can trust, like a parent.  We are reminded in Matthew 15:19 (ESV) that 'out of the heart come evil thoughts...sexual immorality'"  (p. 36).  Other concerns are discussed such as being embarrassed to talk with parents about sex and wanting to be alone. 

Chapter 5.  Next Step:  Adolescence
This section discusses "How Boys Change" -- weight, height, hair, testicle growth, erections, voice changes, wet dreams, etc. in under 2 pages, then moves on to "How Girls Change," about a page in length and covers period, menstruation, breasts, etc.

Chapter 6.  Am I Normal?
This chapter addresses boys of different shapes and sizes, circumcision, different rates of growth, and weight gain.

Chapter 7.  Feeling Good about Your Sexuality
Written as a dialogue between a teen boy and the author, this chapter broaches such subjects as inappropriate tv shows, watching girls, sexual abuse, smoking, drugs, and alcohol.

Chapter 8.  It's Great to Be Alive!
This final chapter is an encouragement to young, growing boys that it is special to be human and that God has a special love for his human creations.  Furthermore, the author describes "God's good gift of sex" as a means to bring other wonderful children into the world.  "God's love can make sex a wonderful part of your love for another person.  Guided by Him, you can choose a wife who will share your life.  The love you have for each other will be extra-special if God lives in both of you."  (p. 55)

     Overall, this book is an encouraging, unabashedly Christian discussion of male sexuality written in a light, easy-going manner.  I highly recommend it.